you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
