I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
