note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This toilet bowl is my home.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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