I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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