as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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