My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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