So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Text me some of your sweat
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
