I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
