I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
