i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
