i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
