My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
