the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I am morally bankrupt
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
