Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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