Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
