Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
