He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
