well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
