How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
