i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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