Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
