wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
