its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
