Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
