I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
