it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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