i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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