I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
