Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
