oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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