Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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