hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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