remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
