You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
