Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
