I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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