I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
