You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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