woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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