I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
