My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
