My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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