he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
