How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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