I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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