i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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