You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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