i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
