Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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