I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
