This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
