I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
