You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
