i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
