How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
