I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
