he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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